|I love you so much, and I don't know what to do anymore...
||[Jul. 29th, 2005|04:55 am]
I love you. Messages to the ones you love.
|||||Luv Your Life - Silverchair||]|
You're always here...
In my head.
I think about you constantly, and I find myself constantly wishing you were near.
I don't even know if you'd want to be near me, and I don't know why I can't just drop it and force you out of my mind.
I can't, though.
It sucks the proverbial cock, and it makes me feel like some sort of failure.
Whatever we had, I know it was real. I hate feeling like a little schoolgirl, wishing some stupid boy would just appear out of thin air and say those nice things to me that always felt so wonderful to hear...speak to me in French and melt me through and through. Make me cry, even. Anything at all is acceptable at this point. Hell, I've cried over you tons of times.
Shit, you tell me.
You're not really that far away, but it feels like you're on a distant planet somewhere far away. I have no way of getting in touch with you anymore, and we never see each other. We don't even have any mutual friends anymore -- not really, anyway.
Every guy I've ever dated since you has been forced into this cookie cutter...this Justin mould...and it's never a good batch of dough. It never pans out the way I would want it. Maybe we're never meant to be.
I just keep feeling like maybe if I hadn't lost touch with you after you broke up with me, maybe things would be different. I don't know. Does it even matter? Either way, I can't go back and fix it.
I have these stupid daydreams in which things fall together perfectly. Somehow we both end up living in the same town again, you somehow are able to pay them back however much money you've owed them all these years....things just work out and then there's that little cliché that comes at the end of every fairy tale. "...and they lived happily ever after."
Do I have a real "happily ever after" ending in my future, with anyone?
I sure hope so.
Damn, it's been since January since I've even had any sex (and not even decent sex, at that, egads)...and I don't even want sex from anybody. Heh. Of course, if you showed up at my front door and you were willing, I'd probably try my damnedest to seduce you right then and there. Pathetic, I know - but honest, too.
You'll probably never even read this. You aren't weird and nosy like I am, so you wouldn't take the precious time to go to my journal and read back until the last time you were online. I always write things like this to you and I know you'll never see them, but sometimes it just makes me feel a little bit better to get it off my chest, even if it is repeating the same mushy crap over and over again every time.
I wish I could find someone who could come somewhere even remotely close to understanding or "getting" me the way that you always have; someone to notice the little things as much as I've always wanted them to be noticed and admired; someone to be romantic without a lot of effort. It makes me feel quite silly to say that last bit. I've had boyfriends write me songs and poems and letters and do little things for me, but it wasn't ever enough because it's like they had to go and DO SOMETHING. They made this effort to impress me or woo me or whatever one would call it. With you, it was just this effortless, finely-tuned work of art, the way you won me. There's this certain amount of charisma...finesse...that you have. It makes everything seem like it's just all in a day's work. It's charming and there have been times when it made me hate you, because I thought that maybe you were just giving me lines. I find that I don't really care if you were giving me lines or not. What counts is my own emotional reaction. It was monumental and wonderful.
I wish you would do something with yourself. It's not like I have much to say for myself -- after all, I'm in debt and not even finished with college yet, and still unemployed -- but I'm going to finish college in a year or two, and I start a new job in a couple of weeks...and after college, I can start working on that debt thing.
It just kills me how intelligent you are and it feels like you're wasting so much of your life. At least you're working a lot. That's better than being a bum (like I am a lot of the time). You have so much fucking potential, though. Are you rebelling in some crazy way by not doing anything with yourself, or are you just letting your laziness take over?
I don't even know what the point of this post was. I guess I just needed to type and ramble for a bit. I never get to talk to you, not for long periods of time, anyway. I just wish things were different.
Je t'aimerai toujours, mon coeur.
Veuillez ne pas perdre le contact.