What do I want, you asked me?


i love you and i want to be with you
i want to hold your hand
and kiss your body
and love you the best that i possibly can.

i don't want you to love anyone else.
just me.
i want to be selfish and i want you all for myself.

i don't want her in your heart or in your mind.

but i hate myself for this selfishness and would never ask you to do any of this.

i don't know what i want ever
ambivalence should have been the word i used when we spoke.


i love you. i love you. i love you.

I've gone from letter writing to mushy poetry, forgive me, readers!

I've gone from letter writing to mushy poetry, forgive me, readers!

here is my poem:


         Like a childhood cartoon flick
we'd be dogs in love, you my lady, me, your tramp
         Two entertwined candles, burning a single endless wick,
I'd kiss away your tears when your eyes are damp
         K..., when i see your smile,
it touches my mind in endless ways,
What do i love about you?  You.  You. You. Your everything.  Your core.  Your style.

         I feel the gamma rays
of what you inspire in me and it brings me unfathomable strength,
         It's like the running of the bulls in Spain,

But instead of fear, exhiliration!  As we together, ride the bulls the entire length.

I could go on.... and on.... but whats the point?
         All i want is you.  Here.  Now.

The pain I feel without you. Some use pills, some play the pimp, or smoke a joint

to make it go away.  All I do is write this journal and want you... here... NOW. 

  • Current Music
    'let me hold you" by bow wow

I posted love letter #2 to my soulmate, notebook influenced, and I'd like honest comments

Dear friends, brothers and sisters,

I posted love letter #2 to my soulmate, notebook influenced, and I'd like honest comments.  I posted love letter #2, which was sent to my soulmate whom I met at the Rainbow Gathering 2005 WV.  (here is the permanent link to it). It is the July 29th entry.  I think any many ways it was fairy tale how we met and it was more than a coincidence that I happened to see 'the Notebook,' while travelling to where I would meet my soulmate and that is why I included how the movie influenced my decision to send her that last letter. It is the actual, true, unedited (except for the names) letter which I sent to the woman who I feel is my soulmate a couple days ago.

I have to share this love with you because it is too much for me to bear alone.

It is incredible when you meet the love of your life and yet you can not be together. The song that keeps going through my head as I think of losing her is Whitney Houston's "Why Does It Hurt So Bad?"

I also think of Jermaine Jackson's Song titled "Why don't they play?" in which he sings "Why donnnnnnn't they play what they played on the nights you danced with me?" because she and I listened to so much music together and were so happy together during those moments.

Thank you, community, for existing and taking the time to read this. I love you all,

Lovin' You! :o)

Also, my journal page has a way for people to make completely anonymous comments if anyone doesn't want their name on the comments below or would like to share their true feelings about my letter. I don't care how insensitive, blunt or 100% to-the-point your comments are just as long as they are honest. It is amazing to me how many people suffer heartbreaks simply because of all the lack of honesty... so I guess I seek the honest feedback. Also, the photo is not me, it is just a singer I like.

  • Current Music
    Jermaine Jackson's Song titled "Why don't they play?"
Syd Bristow redhair

I love you so much, and I don't know what to do anymore...

You're always here...
In my head.

I think about you constantly, and I find myself constantly wishing you were near.
I don't even know if you'd want to be near me, and I don't know why I can't just drop it and force you out of my mind.
I can't, though.
It sucks the proverbial cock, and it makes me feel like some sort of failure.

Whatever we had, I know it was real. I hate feeling like a little schoolgirl, wishing some stupid boy would just appear out of thin air and say those nice things to me that always felt so wonderful to hear...speak to me in French and melt me through and through. Make me cry, even. Anything at all is acceptable at this point. Hell, I've cried over you tons of times.

Shit, you tell me.

You're not really that far away, but it feels like you're on a distant planet somewhere far away. I have no way of getting in touch with you anymore, and we never see each other. We don't even have any mutual friends anymore -- not really, anyway.

Every guy I've ever dated since you has been forced into this cookie cutter...this Justin mould...and it's never a good batch of dough. It never pans out the way I would want it. Maybe we're never meant to be.

I just keep feeling like maybe if I hadn't lost touch with you after you broke up with me, maybe things would be different. I don't know. Does it even matter? Either way, I can't go back and fix it.

I have these stupid daydreams in which things fall together perfectly. Somehow we both end up living in the same town again, you somehow are able to pay them back however much money you've owed them all these years....things just work out and then there's that little cliché that comes at the end of every fairy tale. "...and they lived happily ever after."

Do I have a real "happily ever after" ending in my future, with anyone?
I sure hope so.

Damn, it's been since January since I've even had any sex (and not even decent sex, at that, egads)...and I don't even want sex from anybody. Heh. Of course, if you showed up at my front door and you were willing, I'd probably try my damnedest to seduce you right then and there. Pathetic, I know - but honest, too.

You'll probably never even read this. You aren't weird and nosy like I am, so you wouldn't take the precious time to go to my journal and read back until the last time you were online. I always write things like this to you and I know you'll never see them, but sometimes it just makes me feel a little bit better to get it off my chest, even if it is repeating the same mushy crap over and over again every time.

I wish I could find someone who could come somewhere even remotely close to understanding or "getting" me the way that you always have; someone to notice the little things as much as I've always wanted them to be noticed and admired; someone to be romantic without a lot of effort. It makes me feel quite silly to say that last bit. I've had boyfriends write me songs and poems and letters and do little things for me, but it wasn't ever enough because it's like they had to go and DO SOMETHING. They made this effort to impress me or woo me or whatever one would call it. With you, it was just this effortless, finely-tuned work of art, the way you won me. There's this certain amount of charisma...finesse...that you have. It makes everything seem like it's just all in a day's work. It's charming and there have been times when it made me hate you, because I thought that maybe you were just giving me lines. I find that I don't really care if you were giving me lines or not. What counts is my own emotional reaction. It was monumental and wonderful.

I wish you would do something with yourself. It's not like I have much to say for myself -- after all, I'm in debt and not even finished with college yet, and still unemployed -- but I'm going to finish college in a year or two, and I start a new job in a couple of weeks...and after college, I can start working on that debt thing.
It just kills me how intelligent you are and it feels like you're wasting so much of your life. At least you're working a lot. That's better than being a bum (like I am a lot of the time). You have so much fucking potential, though. Are you rebelling in some crazy way by not doing anything with yourself, or are you just letting your laziness take over?

I don't even know what the point of this post was. I guess I just needed to type and ramble for a bit. I never get to talk to you, not for long periods of time, anyway. I just wish things were different.

Je t'aimerai toujours, mon coeur.
Veuillez ne pas perdre le contact.
Je mourrais.
  • Current Music
    Luv Your Life - Silverchair

(no subject)

I pause for moments before I write this
Then I Begin
Love is the most horrible feeling when you are forced to keep something that you feel bottled up, when you have to keep it "Kept"
When you can not freely express it, the feeling, the gesture, the kindness.
You get that Large Uncomfortable Lump within your throat cause it must be kept inside.
Then I found this place and feel safe enough to let some of it out in private knowing you won't read:
then I cry
one tear slowly drips from my left eye, I feel it warm as it slowly drips down the side of my nose landing in a crevis.
Then I Suck It In ( Per Ususal) Take A Deep Breath
and try to get up the guts to begin.
However I can not
if I do I will break
and I have so much depending on me in my life that I can not be emotionally broken.
What I feel is Deep and So Important to me and the circumstances surrounding it are out of my control there fore I will continue maybe when I am stronger
Thanks For Making this Community
I will return to try again.